For the last four months I’ve been feeling really guilty over something really messed up that I did, that I should have stopped myself from doing… There was this girl, the girl I thought I liked and asked her on a hike… Events after that made me, well confused, because I started remembering this other girl in my life. Events kept going so fast, the girl who went on a hike with me was involved with my friends, she met my siblings, she became part of the circle. Something happened on the last week of exams, it was on the last week. We were both studying for our exam, and I just wasn’t myself that day. I just wasn’t me, I was a completely different person. I made fun of her, told her some weird things about myself that weren’t even true, because I wanted to see her reaction. At the time I thought it was funny, but the poor thing looked really scared. Anyways, the next week, during winter break, I remembered what I did, and have been feeling so bad… See the thing is, that part of me that still likes her lives on… I was just to scared because I thought I was never good for her…. Unemployed college student, I was probably a nobody in her eyes. The new semester has started, for three months, I’ve been avoiding her. She says hi to me and approaches me to talk to me, but I feel so ashamed… The opposite feeling of butterflies in your stomach comes… I keep avoiding her… But I really like her…. I want to apologize to her, I bought a box of Godiva chocolates for her and a card…. I put it in a nice plastic bag and plan to tell her my guilt…. Apologize too her… I hope she accepts it… Because the reason I have been feeling miserable lately is because of that… I am not isolating myself from people because I hate people, no I’m a social creature. I have been isolating myself because she is in my life 24/7 at school… I keep “accidentally” stare at her in class, I keep bumping in too her. She keeps saying hi to me, but I just smile and keep walking. I storm out of a room when she wants to sit next too me. I just feel guilty, I don’t know if she even remembers what happened last year, but I feel so bad, I want to say I’m sorry, because she deserves an apology….
Ever since I’ve taken a break from people, it has really opened up my eyes…. I know whose my friend or not now… If people really cared about me, they would say hi to me when they walk past me…. Or at least ask how are you… Instead, they just come when they want stuff or to talk when no one else is around…. Either way, I’m enjoying my isolation in the real world, because I’m getting to know myself better… And you know what I have learned so far? I don’t need people… People always need me.. Will I ever make friends? I don’t know, but I am not as obsessed of being social as I was before anymore….I just give up on people, they will always be complicated too me.
Scary…. World war 3 might happen… A hundred years after world war one…. If it does…. Wow, we really are the next lost generation…..
I deserve to be happy damn it…. Financial aid denied… For once I want something good to happen to me… For once I want too meet normal people…..for once…. I want to be happy…. For once, I don’t want unexpected twists in my life to get out of…. I just want… To be happy…. To rise again…… I’m done falling…. Let’s rise…
Pretty much, how my week went…. People are so nice all of a sudden… Because its the first exam week, but I said what I should have said a long time ago…. NO! No more helping anyone but me, what’s the point in helping someone in their time of need, when they abandon you in yours and don’t even remember you…..